WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

HOW TO BE HEARD

CHAPTER ONE - AGREEING TO DISAGREE

A good argument: it sounds like an oxymoron, but it needn’t be one. From a young age, we’re taught that arguments are bad and disagreements are best avoided. In fact, arguments are only bad when they’re unproductive. Learn to argue well and you’ll soon realize that arguments are a meaningful part of life. They’re red flags that signal something important to us is at stake. They should be engaged with, not shut down. After all, arguments open up crucial communication pathways. Open and respectful argument should be a cornerstone of every successful relationship.

Learn to disagree productively and you’ll see a positive change in your personal and professional relationships. You’ll be less irritated by disagreements and meet them less often. Most importantly, your world will expand as you learn to welcome and appreciate the perspectives of others - even if you don’t always see eye to eye. It's okay to argue. Get comfortable doing it.

In March 2019, a Twitter user uploaded a picture that showed a box of bagels sliced vertically like a loaf of bread, rather than horizontally, as is traditional. The internet promptly lost its collective mind. Replies to the viral tweet included “First of all, how dare you?” and “Who told you this was okay?” 

This disagreement about the correct way to slice a bagel was light-hearted and low-stakes. Still, it’s worth asking: Why did something so simple provoke such a heated response? The answer is, it created anxiety and anxiety can trigger or exacerbate disagreement. 

Anxiety arises when a perspective that’s valuable to us is brought into conflict with a different viewpoint. This anxiety is present in low-stakes disagreements, like whether a bagel is better sliced vertically or horizontally. And it’s present in high-stakes disagreements, like whether to vote for a left-leaning or right-leaning political party. 

Anxiety is an unpleasant emotion to experience. That's why, when we experience something angst-inducing, our impulse is to dismiss it or even attack it. That's exactly what many Twitter users did when they saw the offending bagels. But when we refuse to thoughtfully engage with things that trigger our anxiety, we also shut down the possibility for dialogue, understanding and growth. In short, we deny ourselves the opportunity for productive disagreement.

There’s another complicating factor at work here. Our anxieties are unique to us and they come from a myriad of sources. In a disagreement, you and your opponent might be bringing completely different anxieties to the same argument. That’s why it’s helpful to divide argument-triggering anxieties into three broad categories. Anxieties of the head are anxieties to do with information and rational thought. Anxieties of the heart are concerned with emotion. Anxieties of the hands center around what’s useful or practical.

Imagine the parents of a twelve-year-old child. They’ve planned a night out, but their babysitter cancels at the last minute. They can’t agree whether they should leave their child at home or not. One partner says they don’t feel safe leaving their child unsupervised at home. This partner is bringing anxieties of the heart to the discussion. The other partner tries to close the argument by saying that, in their state, it’s perfectly legal to leave a twelve-year-old child home alone. But this tactic appeals to anxieties of the head. It can’t resolve an argument triggered by anxieties of the heart.

In order to disagree productively, we need to cultivate awareness of our own anxieties and what triggers them, and exercise empathy in trying to understand the source of others’ anxieties. Pay attention to the voices in your head.

Climate change, Vaccination, Feminism, Religion; in 2019, discussion around hot-button topics like these feels increasingly polarized. In public discourse and in private disagreements, the middle ground is in short supply. The culprit? Cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when you encounter a belief or behavior that contradicts your own perspective. The further the conflicting perspective is from your own, the greater the cognitive dissonance, and the anxiety you’re likely to feel as a result. That’s when, in an effort to assuage this anxiety, the voices in your head get to work. Broadly speaking, there are four types of voices that kick in during conflict. Let’s look at the highly polarized debate around vaccinations as an example. 

Let’s say you firmly believe that mandatory vaccinations are a necessary public health measure. What happens when you encounter someone who’s equally certain that parents shouldn’t be forced to vaccinate their children? Because your views are diametrically opposed, you’ll likely experience cognitive dissonance which, in turn, produces anxiety.

At this point, your thoughts could “speak” in the voice of power. This is a voice that wants to win the argument by shutting it down completely. It simply refuses to accept alternative viewpoints. In the vaccination debate, the voice of power says, “Anti-vaxxers are completely wrong. End of story!”

Alternatively, your thoughts could take the form of the voice of reason, which tries to win arguments through evidence and reason. In the vaccination debate, the voice of reason thinks, “Show me the evidence that vaccines are harmful. I bet you can’t!” Or, your thoughts could adopt the voice of avoidance, which wants to steer clear of the discussion entirely. This voice thinks simply, “Whatever. I’m staying out of this!”

The problem with these three voices? They shut down the disagreement rather than progressing it in any way.

Luckily, there’s another voice, the voice of possibility. This voice sees disagreement as a beginning for dialogue. It seeks out new angles and perspectives. It might ask, “Why do you feel that way?”

Using the voice of possibility doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to accept your opponent’s argument or change your viewpoint. But this voice has the potential to make space for dialogue and understanding. So, get to know the voices in your head. And when you hear the voice of possibility – listen to it!

To be continued......

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Have a fruitful day!

Olusola Bodunrin is a graduate of Philosophy from the University of Ado-Ekiti. He is a professional writer, he writes articles for publication and he anchors – ‘What You Should Know’ on SHEGZSABLEZS’ blog.

‘What You Should Know’ is a column that offers to educate and enlighten the public on general falsehood and myths.